Saturday, 9 April 2011

Monster Body Image

(SKULL MOUNTAIN, April 8) In a press conference held today in Skull Mountain's Hall of Pillars, Dungeon Lord Doombane announced the start of a publicity campaign calling attention to unrealistic images of monsters in gaming.

"A normal, healthy displacer beast should not have a nine-inch waist," he said, showing a picture from a Wizards of the Coast Monster Manual. "And this umber hulk? Bah! More like an umber husk if you ask me!"

Doombane contrasted media images from the past 10 years with those of an earlier generation. "They showed monsters of all body types and sizes, and it was perfectly all right, " he said. "In fact, the bulkier a beast, the scarier it was. Even stirges were plump little hairballs," he reminisced affectionately, "not the starving mosquitos from today's manuals."

"Mark my words, this impossible standard has baleful consequences for today's monster generation," he continued. "I had a neo-otyugh throw back a dwarf explorer the other day for being 'too fatty and gross.' And between the oversized weapons of today's adventurers and the skinny little Popeye limb joints of today's monsters, work-related mutilations are up 68% in Skull Mountain since 2001."

Doombane snapped his fingers, and a sniveling minion threw back a curtain, revealing a tray piled high with hard iron-ration biscuits and scraps of unnameable meats.

"Therefore I command you, monsters of today: HAVE A SANDWICH. OR ELSE!"


  1. Too true. Have you seen the latest version of a purple worm? It looks like a single strand of overcooked linguine. Last session I couldn't get a giant frog to even try to swallow the dwarf whole because it said it had already used up all its Weight Watchers points. Stop the madness!

  2. And my God, the halflings these days.

    Some monsters seems to be a different eating disorder as well, which makes them spiky.

  3. In the seventies, 'thin was in', so monsters were fat. Now, a larger percentage of us are fat, so thin is scary. Direct opposites of society.


  4. I think many of these monsters are also responding to the fact that they feel rejected by a society that treats them as monsters rather than accepting them for what they are. A more inclusive and welcoming approach would do wonders here -- frankly, I think the attitude of most adventurers, in particular, is quite medieval.

  5. Huh... I hadn't noticed this before, but you're absolutely right. o.O

  6. When I saw the pic of the displacer beast... just ick. How can you love something that skinny?

  7. Hilarious! Thanks for this!

  8. It could be that they all have a wasting disease.

    You know, like those REAL LIVE CHUPACABRAS that always turn out to be coyotes with terminal mange....

  9. And you know what? Umber Hulks used to be curvy and full-figured, but now they're all gangly and twig-like.

    They'll never get husbainds if they stay so skeeny.